Everyday I wake up with the greatest hope, however as each hours passes, that ounce of hope does a little more.

p.s. I died of laughter inside today, when i found out the sleaze and filthy pathetic male you used to be. Seriously. I'm not gonna lie. I am more than disappointed at how dirty of a person you were. No wonder people always warned me and told me to be careful of you, however they never truly told me why. I guess the reason is that they didn't want me to be hurt by the news from someone else.

I found out some revealing news about you today and also the past few days. It's not a lot, but it is definitely enough to realise why everyone had warned me.

I understand why people were like becareful, and omg why him. But the thing is, I didn't meet you in the middle of when this was all happening, I met you at a later stage, I'm assuming a time when you had reaslised you needed to grow up? Who knows, but I guess in a way it was good timing that I met you later on. It's always about timing.I mean, I wasn't gonna just break off what we had because of your past and things people were telling me. That will be unfair. And plus I decided to give you chance before I found out all that stuff about you, so i guess I really did have that great of an interest in you.

Anyways the reason why I say I laughed, is because the filthy and dirty person that people described you to be, I couldn't identify with the you that I met, and hung out with. It just doesn't connect? Because of that, it makes me wonder if it really was me that had made you realise and change your attitude.

I remember things you told me, things you did, they are evident to how different you treated me in comparison to other chicks, as well as the fact I was able to slap you on the face and give you an awakening about everything. I think I may have gotten you to stop being stupid, I think I was successful in changing you a little. A little isn't alot, but it is still something. I guess you really did take me seriously.

I know some people who had warned me or whatever are probably thinking "I told you so", but the thing is, the way we ended and just how we were together wasn't how they those people expected us to be. They probably thought I was just another clueless and stupid chick that was getting played, or was just there for that "company", but that's wrong. People we're worried for me, because they didn't want me to be treated unfairly and stupidly like those others. I mean yeah I was clueless about all the secrets and stories, by taking that into consideration, that means I really was into you for that person that I met and you we're really taking me seriously.

Some people are surprised at you, because you treated me differently and well "properly" and seriously, others who don't know what happened probably think "yep, she was the next victim", to those people if only I was that arrogant and loud mouth of a person, I would be like suck shit I really did prove all you guys wrong, but there really is no need for that.

But still, I really need to find this information out for myself, and need a proper confirmation. I can't keep finding out things from your best mate. Because that's not right, and I'm pretty sure you know that as well. I hope.

Your a smart person, you just need to figure out how to guide yourself properly.

the truth

1. every time I sneezed before the situation, i sneezed twice

2. I asked for this on myself, praying to god if you were a bad person; to do it soon and now

3. about a week before the situation you NEVER called me by my name, you called me pet names

4. last week: your self-confidence lacked when it came to my thoughts on you

5. your friend reminds me of you and is my only access to you, that is why i hang around him more often

Cee Lo Green says, "F' you and F' her too"

The most coincidental song to ever come on to the radio ever. Life is beyond strange. The filthy words of Usher.

See the thing about you that caught my eye Is the same thing that makes me change my mind Kinda hard to explain, but girl, I'll try, You need to sit down this may take a while See this girl, she sorta looks just like you She even smiles just the way you do So innocent she seemed but I was fooled I'm reminded when I look at you. You remind me of a girl, that I once knew. See her face whenever I, I look at you. You won't believe all of the things she put me through. This is why I just can't get with you. Thought that she was the one for me, Til I found out she was on her creep, Oh, she was sexing everyone, but me. This is why we could never be. You remind me of a girl, that I once knew. See her face whenever I, I look at you. You won't believe all of the things she put me through. This is why I just can't get with you. I know it's so unfair to you, That I relate her ignorance to you. Wish I knew, wish I knew how to separate the two You remind me, whoa... You remind me of a girl, that I once knew. See her face whenever I, I look at you. You won't believe all of the things she put me through. This is why I just can't get with you. You remind me of a girl, that I once knew. See her face whenever I, I look at you. You won't believe all of the things she put me through. This is why I just can't get with you.

torn

i hate it when you talk to me, i hate it when you dont

i hate it when you stare at me, i hate it when you show you care

i hate having to wait for you, i hate knowing what im doing is wrong

i hate it when you make me smile, i hate it when you make me cry

i hate how i am so fucking emotional over this, i hate knowing this is all so stupid

i hate how i can't seem to get over this, i hate how it isn't even fair

i hate it how you are not even that far away from me, i hate it that i can't even call or text you

i hate it that you were the best thing that came to me this year, i hate it that you're not even there

i hate how I now understand everyone else's problems now, i hate it that i miss you

i hate knowing that there are other bigger problems in this world, i hate how i just don't care

i hate it when you're not around, i even hate the fact that you didn't even call

i hate the way i don't even hate you, and that through all this I still deeply care.

torn - natalie imbruglia mesmerize - ja rule feat. ashanti deuces - chris brown feat. tyga good life - kanye west in ya phone - trey songz naive - the kooks marina gasolina - bonde do role

love loss

It's been a week and only now have I been able to justify my emotions and understand how I feel about it all. You broke my heart, you really did. You broke it into so many pieces, you played with my mind, you gave me a slapping on the face, you really shut me down hard. I felt cheated on, played, used, and even humiliated. I hate how you approached it all. With little care and little respect. I'm not just some bitch, sleaze, or skank, you know how different I am compared to your many past. You even told me that. But even through your own realisation, you still weren't able to do it right. However I understand it may have been hard for you, and that I wasn't the only one in this situation that had become broken. It just suck hard. It sucks because even though it was all purposed to go "slowly", it still went by a mile, but we were cool with that. It sucks because I had put so much faith in you. It sucks that we we're truthfully both hopeful about the future and what was going to happen. Even through all that, you still failed me and both yourself. When I think about it all, I get angry and annoyed. Both at you and myself. I warned myself so many times to not go in too far, but even I didn't even listen to my own mind. I was too into you. I don't hate you, I know your intentions were true, real and right. It just hurts how you haven't made the effort to contact me. But in a way I don't care. I've accepted it all, to an extent. I just hope you do realise how bad you hurt me. What hurts even more is that you wish you didn't feel the way you feel now, you wish that everything could go back to how it was, I wish that too. We both want the same thing, but we can't. Because your confused, you don't know what you want anymore. I will be seeing you soon. Honestly I am excited, however I don't know what will happen. Honestly, I am hopeful. But whatever we'll see that happens in two/three days.

black book

Have you ever decided to just sit back, watch, and analyse everything that surrounds you? ....

Well I took on that experiment for the past couple of days or so and came upon an epiphany. I have been able to read people, and further read situations. My perception on every small detail that constitutes of what life is has transformed and or changed to an extent.

As a result I have been able to depict the people I should surround myself with, the people who speak of only genuine truth, people who put up a persona to disguise their insecurities, and the people who are plain superficial and delusional.

Unfortunately, on a realistic manner I cannot simply put my back towards those who I wish to no longer socialise with due to family ties and relations. In that case, I am willing to only act of the honest and assertiveness of what may make me happy personally, in hope that the other will do the same to diminish their typical self-character.

I only wish to do what makes me happy and what is appropriate in the situation. You'll know that everything is right, when you feel it. I feel it now.

this song definitely gets the weird the out of me.